Life is full of surprises. Some are wonderful and some are so horrible you don't know how you will get through it.Living a life that had everything I could have ever asked for and now living a life I am trying to find my way back to the top."Love is the closest thing we have to magic." But this is about how I have had to learned to live on my own without my love... So here is to a new start, with new stories and some old memories as well. Life after....Love...
Our Last Anniversary spent together....True love never dies....
Who ever thought that this is where I would be at this point in my life. I had known for a long time what things I wanted in my life and what type of man I wanted to share that life with. I met that man that man 3 years ago today. I didn't know it at the time, that he was the one I had been looking for but learned along the way that he was the one I never wanted to be parted from. I don't believe that there is only one perfect person out there for each person in the world. But I do believe there is one perfect person for someone if they meet at the right time. He was my chance at learning to love and I was his chance at learning to love again. "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."- Sam Keen. Neither one of us was or will ever be perfect, but as so many others shared what they saw of what we had, we were perfect for each other. We had never been happier.
I remember the first morning we met. It was 4:30am at a Starbucks in town. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other or the grins to fade. He didn't even like the fact that we each had to get to work that made plans to meet up just a few hours later. At that point another friend met up with us and still to this day will tell you that neither of us could look anywhere else but where the other was and our smiles were so infectious that you couldn't help but smile along with us. From that moment on, there wasn't much time you would find us being apart when we were able to be with each other. And anyone else that was around us was engulfed in the pure happiness that we had. I know I make this sound like it was a fairytale for us. In some ways it was, but we still had our obstacles to face. But in the end we did what couples should do, stick by their partner through the thick and the thin. We didn't always have the support that you would wish you would have from the others in your life that you love. But I quickly learned that all I needed was hope, faith and love and things would come together the way they should. The love we had grew in ways that most people don't usually get the chance to experience, we were tested in so many ways and at so many times just wanted to give up. But we were what held each other up. We became more than just lovers, we became best friends. And that is all I ever wanted. I was in love with my best friend and as was he. We had our fairytale.
It has been almost a year now since he has passed. And I still think of the dreams we had made together and all the memories we made along the way. I remember the promises of things we would do, all the places we would go. But most of all I remember the smile he would get on his face every time he would say "I love you". It will remain in my heart and mind till my dying day.What a lucky, precious gift he gave me and I was able to give him. Those were the last words spoken between us. So as today I celebrate this day on earth alone, I know I am not without him. He is here with me in spirit..... So here is to love, may you all find it where you need it and never be afraid to share with those you love how much you love them because you never know when the last chance to share that will be....
Your kisses always made my heart skip a beat...
Here's to you my love....
playing our song....
At last our love has come along....
I am dreaming of dancing to this song wrapped in your arms.
Hoping to see you've waited for me on the other side
And to hear you tell me of all these things I wonder now.
I had to rewrite the poem above to have it fit for the Organ Donor Network Memorial to Celebrate the lives of those who have passed but helped to share the gift of life to someone else in need. As Blaine did. So here is the shortened version I wrote in memory of Blaine.
By Hillary Boulter
Blaine H. Gilmer
June 23,1983 -July 25, 2010
I often sit and wonder
what it might be like looking past heavens gates,
to know what things you see.
or wondering what you think of the world you left behind.
I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.
I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.
You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.
We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.
We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.
Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.
Love, always and forever!!!!!
We would send poems back and forth to each other it was the easiest way for us to say how we felt and thought about each other.This was one of the first that he sent me. I can remember the day I got it, and the tears of joy it brought to my eyes, and how my friends told that was I had was to good to be true. I wish I could now be in that special place so that I could be with him always. As I stare into the night sky I see his smile in the stars in our happy place.
What person doesn't watch a love story and wish that they had some part of what the people in the movie had. I know I am that kind of person. I had always been wishing for my fairytale happy ending with my Prince Charming, or that story of a couple that no one thought would make and in the end they lived the most perfect life they could have ever wanted. But we know that what we see in movies isn't very likely to happen. Its rare when you hear a someones love story and it sounds like something you would see in a movie. People don't talk about having deep, passionate, fulling, perfect love. They usually seem to just settle for what they have and don't keep looking for that rare kind of love.
I guess I would say that I am lucky in that sense. Everyone told me life has been like a movie. It had all the ups and downs, a great plot line, had the leading man and leading women, and all the challenges a relationship could have. But to me it was the perfect movie. I would never say that there I didn't have my days that I wanted to just give up, but I would say that those days are the ones the made me want to keep fighting for what I wanted. I was the girl who fell in love with a man that had promised me that he couldn't and wouldn't ever fall in love again. From that moment on I knew that one day he would fall head over heals for me just like I did for him. It took him a while but he did eventually allow himself to love and be loved. And in using his favorite word to describe what it was like "Magic". What we had was magic. We loved each other for our imperfections and our willingness to fight for one another, no matter what the world through at us. "Love is the closest thing we have to magic." We were so close to having the fairytale happy ending, till it was cut short. But with that I still go on, knowing how loved I was by him, and knowing how special a gift that is. And I know that when the time is right he will help me to find someone who will love me as deeply and passionately as he loved me. So in the end my life really has turned out like a few movies or maybe mine is still being created.
As I was watching a movie the other night while trying to fall asleep, something in the movie triggered a memory for me. In the movie the mother went and kissed her sleeping child on the cheek before she left and as she kissed his cheek the child smiled and didn't even know it. This reminded me of a conversation I had one morning with Blaine. He told me that morning, the night before he didn't sleep very well, but I had been out cold. But he sat there watching me sleep for a little while and then finally kissed me on the cheek. He told me I then smile while sleeping. I remembering him telling me this with such joy in his voice, knowing that even when I am in dream land, that he cant still make me smile. And after that he was able to fall asleep. Thinking of this conversation it reminded me again of how much the little things in life mean so much more. I always loved watching him sleep, because he would always fall asleep on the couch after he invited me to come over and watch TV or a movie with him at least 20 minutes after I got there. He would fall asleep with a smile on his face. These are such precious memories. And I am so glad that this is one I can remember like it was just yesterday.
So this weekend I traveled up north to be with my family, to be apart of my cousin coming home and all of those festivities. But this trip was also for me. It was another step in me coming to terms with things, and coming back to the last place I saw him smile, the last place he held my hand, the last place he looked me in the eyes and said I love you. Its the last happy memory I have of him. He had just met almost all my family ( which there is a lot) and had been here every step of the way that weekend as we thought my dad was going to die.
I have been here 2 days and I have been bottling up all the emotions and memories as they come, so not to bring anyone else down as we are enjoying our time together as a family. But tonight it hit me. And boy did it hit hard, as I was listening to the conversations of those around me, seeing how lives have moved on and how different things are and how others have outlook on life and what others should be doing. And all I can do is think of him. No matter where I am in the house, or this city. I see him sitting on the bench in the backyard like an old family movie, relieving those last memories made and how wonderful I felt when I was making those memories. All I can do cry, only where no one can see me. To release the pain I feel with how much I miss him. And knowing how much he would have loved to have been here for this. Taking another step forward I knew would be hard, I just didn't know it would be hitting me all at once. There is no stopping this pain I feel, I am just trying to learn everyday how I am going to live through it. I am proud of myself for taking this step. I just wish it didnt hurt so much pulling up these memories.
I made a new step for myself today..... Making the journey to a place that I hold very near to my heart, filled with people I love, but also a hard memory to return to. But I did it. I did it for 2 reasons, 1st being that my cousin just got home from serving a mission the last 19 months in Argentina, and 2nd because I need to return to the last place I saw him. I made a forward step. One that I knew wasn't going to be easy, but one that I knew would be worth it. There is nothing like walking into a place that feels like home no matter what and be surrounded by people who love you. Seeing the joy in every ones faces, watching the children run around playing, being crazy, or even crying. Family is what keeps us together. They are the ones who help to build us back up when we are falling apart, and the ones who will tell you just how it is and what should be or can be done to fix it. I have been waiting a long time for my cousin to come home. She is one of my best friends and someone who I love so much and has played a big part in my life and in Blaine's. Her faith in God and religion is a strength to me, even when I feel I have no ground to walk on. We have only been able to scratch the surface in our conversation tonight. But it was one I have been needing to have for a long time. I am so lucky and grateful to have the family I do.
I love her crazy, enthusiastic, loving, faithfully out look on life!