I Wonder

1/13/11

I Wonder

By Hillary Boulter

I often sit and wonder

what it might be like

or what things you might see

I try to get a perspective

on the person you had seen in me

Its not easy looking past heavens gates

to see the life you now live

or to learn of my mistakes

what would you think of me?

If you could whisper in my ear

would you tell me,

that "you loved me"

"I wish I could hold you near"

or maybe " I am so sorry"

or even "I wish I could be there"

I often think of what it might be like

to hear you say anything once more

or to feel the gentle touch of your hand in mine

as I walk through an open door.

Dreaming, wondering, thinking, remembering,

is all I get to do for now.

Till that day comes again.

Hoping to see you've waited for me on the other side

And to hear you tell me of all  these things I wonder now.

I had to rewrite the poem above to have it fit for the Organ Donor Network Memorial to Celebrate the lives of those who have passed but helped to share the gift of life to someone else in need. As Blaine did. So here is the shortened version I wrote in memory of Blaine.

I wonder

By Hillary Boulter

Blaine H. Gilmer

June 23,1983 -July 25, 2010

I often sit and wonder

what it might be like looking past heavens gates,

to know what things you see.

or wondering what you think of the world you left behind.

I wonder if you would whisper in my ear

that "you loved me",

"I wish I could hold you near"

or maybe "I wish I could be there"

I often think of how it would feel,

the gentle touch of your hand in mine

or see you walk through an open door.

Dreaming, wondering, thinking, remembering,

Till that day comes again.

seeing you've waited for us

on the other side.

 

What I Wish...

What I Wish...

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.

I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.

You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.

We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.

We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.

Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.

Love, always and forever!!!!!

Blaine
9/7/09

We would send poems back and forth to each other it was the easiest way for us to say how we felt and thought about each other.This was one of the first that he sent me. I can remember the day I got it, and the tears of joy it brought to my eyes, and how my friends told that was I had was to good to be true. I wish I could now be in that special place so that I could be with him always. As I stare into the night sky I see his smile in the stars in our happy place.

Not Like the Movies

What person doesn't watch a love story and wish that they had some part of what the people in the movie had. I know I am that kind of person. I had always been wishing for my fairytale happy ending with my Prince Charming, or that story of a couple that no one thought would make and in the end they lived the most perfect life they could have ever wanted. But we know that what we see in movies isn't very likely to happen. Its rare when you hear a someones love story and it sounds like something you would see in a movie. People don't talk about having deep, passionate, fulling, perfect love. They usually seem to just settle for what they have and don't keep looking for that rare kind of love. 

I guess I would say that I am lucky in that sense. Everyone told me life has been like a movie. It had all the ups and downs, a great plot line, had the leading man and leading women, and all the challenges a relationship could have. But to me it was the perfect movie. I would never say that there I didn't have my days that I wanted to just give up, but I would say that those days are the ones the made me want to keep fighting for what I wanted. I was the girl who fell in love with a man that had promised me that he couldn't and wouldn't ever fall in love again. From that moment on I knew that one day he would fall head over heals for me just like I did for him. It took him a while but he did eventually allow himself to love and be loved. And in using his favorite word to describe what it was like "Magic". What we had was magic. We loved each other for our imperfections and our willingness to fight for one another, no matter what the world through at us. "Love is the closest thing we have to magic." We were so close to having the fairytale happy ending, till it was cut short. But with that I still go on, knowing how loved I was by him, and knowing how special a gift that is. And I know that when the time is right he will help me to find someone who will love me as deeply and passionately as he loved me. So in the end my life really has turned out like a few movies or maybe mine is still being created.

Smile

As I was watching a movie the other night while trying to fall asleep, something in the movie triggered a memory for me. In the movie the mother went and kissed her sleeping child on the cheek before she left and as she kissed his cheek the child smiled and didn't even know it. This reminded me of a conversation I had one morning with Blaine. He told me that morning, the night before he didn't sleep very well, but I had been out cold. But he sat there watching me sleep for a little while and then finally kissed me on the cheek. He told me I then smile while sleeping. I remembering him telling me this with such joy in his voice, knowing that even when I am in dream land, that he cant still make me smile. And after that he was able to fall asleep. Thinking of this conversation it reminded me again of how much the little things in life mean so much more. I always loved watching him sleep, because he would always fall asleep on the couch after he invited me to come over and watch TV or a movie with him at least 20 minutes after I got there. He would fall asleep with a smile on his face. These are such precious memories. And I am so glad that this is one I can remember like it was just yesterday. 

Coming Back

So this weekend I traveled up north to be with my family, to be apart of my cousin coming home and all of those festivities. But this trip was also for me. It was another step in me coming to terms with things, and coming back to the last place I saw him smile, the last place he held my hand, the last place he looked me in the eyes and said I love you. Its the last happy memory I have of him. He had just met almost all my family ( which there is a lot) and had been here every step of the way that weekend as we thought my dad was going to die. 

I have been here 2 days and I have been bottling up all the emotions and memories as they come, so not to bring anyone else down as we are enjoying our time together as a family. But tonight it hit me. And boy did it hit hard, as I was listening to the conversations of those around me, seeing how lives have moved on and how different things are and how others have outlook on life and what others should be doing. And all I can do is think of him. No matter where I am in the house, or this city. I see him sitting on the bench in the backyard like an old family movie, relieving those last memories made and how wonderful I felt when I was making those memories.  All I can do cry, only where no one can see me. To release the pain I feel with how much I miss him. And knowing how much he would have loved to have been here for this. Taking another step forward I knew would be hard, I just didn't know it would be hitting me all at once. There is no stopping this pain I feel, I am just trying to learn everyday how I am going to live through it. I am proud of myself for taking this step. I just wish it didnt hurt so much pulling up these memories.

Family

I made a new step for myself today..... Making the journey to a place that I hold very near to my heart, filled with people I love, but also a hard memory to return to. But I did it. I did it for 2 reasons, 1st being that my cousin just got home from serving a mission the last 19 months in Argentina, and 2nd because I need to return to the last place I saw him. I made a forward step. One that I knew wasn't going to be easy, but one that I knew would be worth it. There is nothing like walking into a place that feels like home no matter what and be surrounded by people who love you. Seeing the joy in every ones faces, watching the children run around playing, being crazy, or even crying. Family is what keeps us together. They are the ones who help to build us back up when we are falling apart, and the ones who will tell you just how it is and what should be or can be done to fix it. I have been waiting a long time for my cousin to come home. She is one of my best friends and someone who I love so much and has played a big part in my life and in Blaine's. Her faith in God and religion is a strength to me, even when I feel I have no ground to walk on. We have only been able to scratch the surface in our conversation tonight. But it was one I have been needing to have for a long time. I am so lucky and grateful to have the family I do.

I love her crazy, enthusiastic, loving, faithfully out look on life! 

Love From Him....

Letter From Blaine 10/13/2009

"Hillary"

Just a quick note along with this , to utilize this envelope, but this little thing I wrote tells pretty much how I feel, and want to try and express myself to you. I miss you everyday more and more. And I know I say it like 300 times on paper, and another 100 over the phone a day, but what do you think I should say...I don't know. But what I do know...."dont leave the party till the boos gone"....blah blah blah you know the song. J/K the song is stuck in my head right now

Well, I just wanted to say I miss you, and that I am thinking about you! Good night, sweet dreams and I hope you like what I have written over the past week or so. I hope to hear your voice soon. And on the slight chance, see you again.

Love Alaways & Forever

Blaine

P.S. I hope this puts you in a happy mood! I love you.

Just Because...

The moon was high in the perfect velvet sky. Twilight as I remember. The sweet aroma of your skin perfumed the air. The only consolation that I saw was in your eyes, the hypnotic sensation embraced everything around, nothing else mattered, Just because you were in my arms.

Your love, unfolding before me, entrusted with your heart, presented with a gentle kiss from your rosy lips. The passionate act draws upon the lock that was placed upon my heart, so long ago. Your eyes penetrate the seasoned shell of uncertainty. The murky water clears, the scares upon my heart are exposed. The colorful painting has been drawn to perfection, and made visible to you.

Suddenly, a candle flickering in the distance catches our attention, and pulls us into it's direction, and gravity embraces us. Vision blurred, our hearts beat as one, dazed by your love that has struck my heart. I feel exposed and vulnerable, but safe.

Just because you are there; Life has a new meaning. You take my  fear with your love; Unconditionally. Euphoria burns through my veins. The shackles removed. Lips of an angle are places upon me. We become one. I feel you, know you, inside and out. Hold nothing back....

The velvet night seems unbelievably bright, twilight has new meaning, everything is in sight. Just because of you!

Our Velvet Twight 

Just because.....of you.

Written by Blaine10/13/2009

to Hillary