I Wonder

1/13/11

I Wonder

By Hillary Boulter

I often sit and wonder

what it might be like

or what things you might see

I try to get a perspective

on the person you had seen in me

Its not easy looking past heavens gates

to see the life you now live

or to learn of my mistakes

what would you think of me?

If you could whisper in my ear

would you tell me,

that "you loved me"

"I wish I could hold you near"

or maybe " I am so sorry"

or even "I wish I could be there"

I often think of what it might be like

to hear you say anything once more

or to feel the gentle touch of your hand in mine

as I walk through an open door.

Dreaming, wondering, thinking, remembering,

is all I get to do for now.

Till that day comes again.

Hoping to see you've waited for me on the other side

And to hear you tell me of all  these things I wonder now.

I had to rewrite the poem above to have it fit for the Organ Donor Network Memorial to Celebrate the lives of those who have passed but helped to share the gift of life to someone else in need. As Blaine did. So here is the shortened version I wrote in memory of Blaine.

I wonder

By Hillary Boulter

Blaine H. Gilmer

June 23,1983 -July 25, 2010

I often sit and wonder

what it might be like looking past heavens gates,

to know what things you see.

or wondering what you think of the world you left behind.

I wonder if you would whisper in my ear

that "you loved me",

"I wish I could hold you near"

or maybe "I wish I could be there"

I often think of how it would feel,

the gentle touch of your hand in mine

or see you walk through an open door.

Dreaming, wondering, thinking, remembering,

Till that day comes again.

seeing you've waited for us

on the other side.

 

What I Wish...

What I Wish...

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,
the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.

I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.

You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.

We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.

We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.

Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.

Love, always and forever!!!!!

Blaine
9/7/09

We would send poems back and forth to each other it was the easiest way for us to say how we felt and thought about each other.This was one of the first that he sent me. I can remember the day I got it, and the tears of joy it brought to my eyes, and how my friends told that was I had was to good to be true. I wish I could now be in that special place so that I could be with him always. As I stare into the night sky I see his smile in the stars in our happy place.

Not Like the Movies

What person doesn't watch a love story and wish that they had some part of what the people in the movie had. I know I am that kind of person. I had always been wishing for my fairytale happy ending with my Prince Charming, or that story of a couple that no one thought would make and in the end they lived the most perfect life they could have ever wanted. But we know that what we see in movies isn't very likely to happen. Its rare when you hear a someones love story and it sounds like something you would see in a movie. People don't talk about having deep, passionate, fulling, perfect love. They usually seem to just settle for what they have and don't keep looking for that rare kind of love. 

I guess I would say that I am lucky in that sense. Everyone told me life has been like a movie. It had all the ups and downs, a great plot line, had the leading man and leading women, and all the challenges a relationship could have. But to me it was the perfect movie. I would never say that there I didn't have my days that I wanted to just give up, but I would say that those days are the ones the made me want to keep fighting for what I wanted. I was the girl who fell in love with a man that had promised me that he couldn't and wouldn't ever fall in love again. From that moment on I knew that one day he would fall head over heals for me just like I did for him. It took him a while but he did eventually allow himself to love and be loved. And in using his favorite word to describe what it was like "Magic". What we had was magic. We loved each other for our imperfections and our willingness to fight for one another, no matter what the world through at us. "Love is the closest thing we have to magic." We were so close to having the fairytale happy ending, till it was cut short. But with that I still go on, knowing how loved I was by him, and knowing how special a gift that is. And I know that when the time is right he will help me to find someone who will love me as deeply and passionately as he loved me. So in the end my life really has turned out like a few movies or maybe mine is still being created.

Smile

As I was watching a movie the other night while trying to fall asleep, something in the movie triggered a memory for me. In the movie the mother went and kissed her sleeping child on the cheek before she left and as she kissed his cheek the child smiled and didn't even know it. This reminded me of a conversation I had one morning with Blaine. He told me that morning, the night before he didn't sleep very well, but I had been out cold. But he sat there watching me sleep for a little while and then finally kissed me on the cheek. He told me I then smile while sleeping. I remembering him telling me this with such joy in his voice, knowing that even when I am in dream land, that he cant still make me smile. And after that he was able to fall asleep. Thinking of this conversation it reminded me again of how much the little things in life mean so much more. I always loved watching him sleep, because he would always fall asleep on the couch after he invited me to come over and watch TV or a movie with him at least 20 minutes after I got there. He would fall asleep with a smile on his face. These are such precious memories. And I am so glad that this is one I can remember like it was just yesterday.