Coming Back

So this weekend I traveled up north to be with my family, to be apart of my cousin coming home and all of those festivities. But this trip was also for me. It was another step in me coming to terms with things, and coming back to the last place I saw him smile, the last place he held my hand, the last place he looked me in the eyes and said I love you. Its the last happy memory I have of him. He had just met almost all my family ( which there is a lot) and had been here every step of the way that weekend as we thought my dad was going to die. 

I have been here 2 days and I have been bottling up all the emotions and memories as they come, so not to bring anyone else down as we are enjoying our time together as a family. But tonight it hit me. And boy did it hit hard, as I was listening to the conversations of those around me, seeing how lives have moved on and how different things are and how others have outlook on life and what others should be doing. And all I can do is think of him. No matter where I am in the house, or this city. I see him sitting on the bench in the backyard like an old family movie, relieving those last memories made and how wonderful I felt when I was making those memories.  All I can do cry, only where no one can see me. To release the pain I feel with how much I miss him. And knowing how much he would have loved to have been here for this. Taking another step forward I knew would be hard, I just didn't know it would be hitting me all at once. There is no stopping this pain I feel, I am just trying to learn everyday how I am going to live through it. I am proud of myself for taking this step. I just wish it didnt hurt so much pulling up these memories.

Family

I made a new step for myself today..... Making the journey to a place that I hold very near to my heart, filled with people I love, but also a hard memory to return to. But I did it. I did it for 2 reasons, 1st being that my cousin just got home from serving a mission the last 19 months in Argentina, and 2nd because I need to return to the last place I saw him. I made a forward step. One that I knew wasn't going to be easy, but one that I knew would be worth it. There is nothing like walking into a place that feels like home no matter what and be surrounded by people who love you. Seeing the joy in every ones faces, watching the children run around playing, being crazy, or even crying. Family is what keeps us together. They are the ones who help to build us back up when we are falling apart, and the ones who will tell you just how it is and what should be or can be done to fix it. I have been waiting a long time for my cousin to come home. She is one of my best friends and someone who I love so much and has played a big part in my life and in Blaine's. Her faith in God and religion is a strength to me, even when I feel I have no ground to walk on. We have only been able to scratch the surface in our conversation tonight. But it was one I have been needing to have for a long time. I am so lucky and grateful to have the family I do.

I love her crazy, enthusiastic, loving, faithfully out look on life! 

Love From Him....

Letter From Blaine 10/13/2009

"Hillary"

Just a quick note along with this , to utilize this envelope, but this little thing I wrote tells pretty much how I feel, and want to try and express myself to you. I miss you everyday more and more. And I know I say it like 300 times on paper, and another 100 over the phone a day, but what do you think I should say...I don't know. But what I do know...."dont leave the party till the boos gone"....blah blah blah you know the song. J/K the song is stuck in my head right now

Well, I just wanted to say I miss you, and that I am thinking about you! Good night, sweet dreams and I hope you like what I have written over the past week or so. I hope to hear your voice soon. And on the slight chance, see you again.

Love Alaways & Forever

Blaine

P.S. I hope this puts you in a happy mood! I love you.

Just Because...

The moon was high in the perfect velvet sky. Twilight as I remember. The sweet aroma of your skin perfumed the air. The only consolation that I saw was in your eyes, the hypnotic sensation embraced everything around, nothing else mattered, Just because you were in my arms.

Your love, unfolding before me, entrusted with your heart, presented with a gentle kiss from your rosy lips. The passionate act draws upon the lock that was placed upon my heart, so long ago. Your eyes penetrate the seasoned shell of uncertainty. The murky water clears, the scares upon my heart are exposed. The colorful painting has been drawn to perfection, and made visible to you.

Suddenly, a candle flickering in the distance catches our attention, and pulls us into it's direction, and gravity embraces us. Vision blurred, our hearts beat as one, dazed by your love that has struck my heart. I feel exposed and vulnerable, but safe.

Just because you are there; Life has a new meaning. You take my  fear with your love; Unconditionally. Euphoria burns through my veins. The shackles removed. Lips of an angle are places upon me. We become one. I feel you, know you, inside and out. Hold nothing back....

The velvet night seems unbelievably bright, twilight has new meaning, everything is in sight. Just because of you!

Our Velvet Twight 

Just because.....of you.

Written by Blaine10/13/2009

to Hillary

To the One My Heart Wont Forget

"To The One My Heart Wont Forget"

1/11/11 By Hillary Boulter

Of all of the people I have ever met,

you are the one my heart will never forget.

The way you made my heart skip a beat,

with every time that you smiled

or told me, I made your life feel complete.

You are the moon to my sun.

The love in my light.

Butterflies flew around no matter what

inside me all night.

I didn't think it was true,

what others had believed.

It was impossible to have

that magical moment,

were we met that one night.

Under that bright glow of the velvet moon light.

I knew from that moment on

it was love at first sight.

 

We had lived our lives before,

seeing different things that we had once thought we would explore

 and on that night we knew it special,

the connection was made

that we knew it was eternal.

We were made for each other.

Night and day and perfectly fit.

A match made in heaven

is the best way to describe it.

From that moment on,

our lives were forever changed.

Made each better, in our own special ways.

Who ever thought it could be true.

That one girls fairytale wish would became true.

Because I fell head over heals in love with you.

Letter to the Missed....

Since he has passed, I have heard all kinds of advice from other along the way, of things that helped them to keep on dealing with their thoughts, emotions, feelings, the pain you feel. But one thing that I had many people tell me I should do was write a letter to him, just like I used to. So yesterday while sitting at Starbucks after having a great conversation with some new friends. I stayed after they left, plugged in my head phones and decided that I would write to him. Tell him all the things I feel and want to say. I even asked questions. When people told me I should do this, I didn't believe them at all that it would help, also being that letter writing was so special between he and I. But I couldn't believe how much just pour out of me, I tried so hard to not cry while I wrote. But it was so refreshing to be able to say all those things. Though I know he will never read them like he used, I know that he always knew the way I felt and still does.

If I Had the Choice.....

One question that I know there is no hesitation in my answer is " If I knew what I know now would I have still done everything I did, or would I choose to have never known him?" I would do it all again in a heartbeat without a doubt. Who would ever not want a chance at something so special and so rare. "Greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."  Learning to love someone unconditionally, with not expecting anything in return is one of the greatest things that any one person can grow from. How many people do you know really give that much of themselves without expectation of something in return. I get to live the rest of my life knowing I helped someone along the way that ended helping me learn and grow, 

If I Had to Do It All Over Again...

9/27/10

By Hillary Boulter

If I had to do it all over again

I wouldn’t hesitate to take your hand

You taught 

me to love more than I thought was ever possible

You gave me the smile that would light up a room

You had given me the greatest gift,

To have you give me your all.

The dreams we made

The goals we planned

It was always together

And forever hand in hand

I found me in you,

As you found you in me

Two peas in a pod

As perfectly any could ever hoped to be

You became my life

My every wish

The hearts greatest desire

And the last person I ever wanted to kiss

So with these days without you

Its hard not to miss

The dreams we had made

Plans we had prepared

For the life we had wanted

And amazing love we had shared

I wish for one moment more

To take all the things I always wanted to say

And to hear all things I wanted to learn

All the things we didn’t get to share

For we thought time was on our side

So till I see you again

My love, my friend, my one,

I know one day we will have the dream we always wanted

Because I am forever yours.

Poetry.... The Song Of The Heart

I need you -8/6/10

By Hillary Boulter

I just need one more day

To tell you how much I love you

To feel your heart beat next to mine

And hear you say that "everything is going to be fine."

I just need one more day

To hear all the stories we always said we would tell each other

 and never thought we could

I just need one more day

To tell you all the things

That helped me through the night

When being without you always meant someday it will be alright.

I just need one more day

To share our wishes and dreams

That we could go far away

And be what we wanted to be.

I just need one more day

For you to hold me in your arms

So I can feel safe even if you are gone.

I will just wait now

For that one more day

That I will be with you again

And hear you one more time say

"I love you honey, I promise I am here to stay." 

October 2, 2010
By: Hillary Boulter

“Sun Lit Love “
You are the reason I wake up every day.
For you bring the sunshine into my life.
The sun rose with you every morning,
Bringing in the bright colors from your smile.
The sweet taste of your kiss on my lips,
With the gentle caress of your hand rubbing mine,
Smelling the aroma of the love in the air.
Laying next to you in our bed of feathers,
Feeling like we are floating on air.
The magic we made with only the looks from our eyes.
Who could ever want anything more than to wake up this way at sunrise.

The whole day goes on.
 With stolen glances taken in secret,
Though always catching one or two.
The slight touch of your hand grazing my back
To remind me that you are always there.
Running in circles with the life we are living
One moment at a time
Always together, we would not waste any time.
Then the sun would begin its evening decline
Watching as the sun starts its fall, to call it a night.
We lie down together in our bed of love and feathers
Holding each other as the sky changed its colors
The red’s and the gold’s
The purple’s and blue’s.
We watched the sun lit sky turn into
The stars we always knew.
You would point out my face
And I would yours.
We promised that forever,
We would live in the sky above.
The magic of the sky with the lights, colors and stars
Will always tell the story
Of what love is no matter how far we are.
So you look to east and I to the west.
I know where to find you
Now that you are at rest.


To all the sunrises and sunsets that we always loved to share, for the reasons why they meant to so much to us. They brought out the best colors of us and the memories we had of watching them together and the dreams we made. As each time the sun came and went we always shared the same moon where ever we had to go. I love you now and forever.

If I Knew It Would Be The Last Time...

This is the poem I read at the memorial. It still holds  so much meaning to it. The one thing that still surprises me is how many people still don't do it. You never know when the day comes that it might be the last time you see someone. You should always tell the people you love and care about, how much they mean to you. Show it, say it, scream it from the top of your lungs. Just because you think they already know it doesn't mean that they do or will remember when they are having a bad day. It's so important to make sure everyone knows how you really feel. Live each day like its your last and love with all that you have. You may one day be saving that person from the emptiness of despair. Even just a smile at someone passing by can turn that persons day around.

If I knew it would be the last time...


If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.


If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.


If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.


If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute or two
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do


If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.


For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything right.
There will always be another day
to say our "I love you's,"


And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do's?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.


Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?


For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.


So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me,"
"Thank you," or "It's okay."


And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

What He is.... And What I Miss....

He is….
“Its hard to come up with the words the words to describe our love.” That is what used to always say when we would write cards or letters. We always had to much to say.

 He always had loved to give even when he didn’t want to. There was never someone who would call with a question or needing some kind of help, that he would hesitate to jump right on it to do what he could. He was always there waiting with his huge smile and a hug.

He is what made me complete.
He is the reason I woke up everyday.
He is the reason I fought for so much.
He is the reason that I love.
He is what made me, me.
He is my best friend.
He is the love of my life.
He knew just what to say to make me laugh so I would snort.

He knew how to push my buttons in just the right way to make my angry face just to tell me how cute I was when I was mad.
He made my life worth living.
He always knew just the right thing to say.
He knew all the little things about me.
He loved to joke, play and tickle.
He taught me how to give myself unselfishly without even knowing it.
He gave me the greatest gift, which is to love and be loved.
His hugs were tight enough to feel like he hadn't seen you in a while . . .and long enough to let you know he was making a memory in his own mind . . never too tight though . . .it's been years for me, but I always remember that. He knew how to make you feel cared about.

 

I really miss the way he said I love you and how he said it with out saying the words.
I miss the way he woke me up at 5:30 everymorning just to day I love you and to wake me up just becasue he could.
I miss bickering on the phone over nothing and calling each other stupid names that little kids would use.
I miss how he would ask where was his everytime I said I was making some kind of food.
The small things are what mean the most.

I miss the way he looked at me like there was no one else around
or that he always had to be touching me no matter how it was.

I miss the sound of his voice. Or the way he always tole me "You know I am a big deal!"

I miss the way he tried to strech his fingers or pop his knees.

I miss the way he smelled good or bad.

I miss his different smiles.

I miss the way he would push my buttons just to make me make my made face so he could tell me how cute I was when I was mad.

I miss his hugs and how safe and secure and loved in his arms.

I miss the way he would ask for things he really wanted me to do. the way he would ask in the sweetest way to rub his back or feet and do mine first without me ever asking him.

I miss the way he whined when I put my cold feet on him.

I miss him chasing me around to tickle me or write on me.

I miss the way he would stand in front of the mirror and pluck hairs.
I miss how he always called to say goodnight.
I miss how he always wanted to know how my day was and what happened even when he already knew.
I miss the way he would look at me when he thought I wasn’t looking.

Like I never needed anything else for the rest of my life.

He was everything I needed
He was imperfect and perfect in his own way and as was I and it was all we needed.
I could do anything while with him, be anything I wanted.
He made me see that I was beautiful inside and out and was the first person to get me to believe it.
I would have give my life for his in a heart beat.

There were so many ways we described our love... but there was always more to say,or finding new ways to see it and say it
I am still head over heels in love with him.
I still get the butterflies in my stomach, when I think about him holding me or kissing me.

Eventually I will move forward but I don't think think there is ever letting go.
 He will always be a huge part of me no matter what or who i meet. I will just start taking small steps forward....

Happy Thoughts....Make You Fly.....

When I am asked "what makes you happy?" I think of Peter Pan.... Think happy thoughts so you can fly. So in those moments that I take the time to think about what makes me happy, it is like a video playing back in my head and I feel like I can fly. I can achieve anything I want and put myself right back into those memories. 

I live for those moments where I can sit back and replay all those happy thoughts, where my smile was so infectious that anyone and everyone around me couldn't help but smile as well. Those are still the times that bring out the best in me, in these days that everyone seems to think that I may not smile or laugh enough. They are forgetting to ask me or talk about the one thing that without a doubt I will smile about. Like today as I was standing outside in front of a Starbucks on my phone when a gentleman walked by after reading the back of my shit the reads "True Love" and asked me "Does he still love you?" In that short instant that man has no idea of the smile he ignited with in my when I answered "Yes" then whispered to myself " yes he still does." 

Just that simple of a thought fills me with a smile from head to toe. Just thinking of the simple memories like being chased around the house till I was pinned down so he could write "I heart you always" down my arm with permanent marker. Or the time I caught him singing to Back Street Boy's song in the car. I cant help but laugh and smile at these thoughts. Or the time that he asked me why I was crying when he told me he loved me. He just didn't understand why something that made me so happy that I cried. Partly it was because he just hated to hear me cry period. But that is another favorite memory that always brings back that smile that everyone so longs to see. 

So here is where I want to tell everyone that tells me that they want to seem me smile and laugh like I used to. Take the time to think and remember what is the one thing that you can remember that would make me smile till my cheeks hurt. The memories may bring tears but they are tears of joy and happiness that  warms my heart every time I think of them. Then you will see the old me and the smile you so desperately wish to see every time you look at me. It may not want to be something you want to talk about, but remember its something that helps the person who is still learning how to live life in a new way

It will be okay.....one day at a time....

Some days you feel like you have everything going for yourself and some days you feel like you have nothing left to give to the world. I know this roller coaster all to well. I remember what it felt like the sky was the limit. Everything I wanted was possible as long as I fought hard enough to get it. And boy did I fight hard. And it was worth everything I ever put into it. I had everything I could have ever wanted. But these days its hard to remember why I had the drive to fight so hard for what I wanted or what I want now. Why is it that in the blink of an eye you can forget every dream or goal you ever wanted to come true. 

I guess when you have something traumatic happen your life changes in that instant. Things you had once wanted are different, things you once liked taste,smell or look different. When you have everyone telling you what or how you should feel, what you should be doing, they don't take the time to think that you aren't the same. That they need to take things slower and be a bit more gentle with you. You have become so fragile that you are afraid. But they all just want to make you better so they push and push. Sometimes I just wish they would understand that it really does just take time, that it is okay to feel sad, to cry without reason, to feel empty. It doesn't mean that I am going to stop living. It just means I am taking it all in. I may be young and everyone thinks I should be able to just bounce right back. But that isn't how life works. I feel everything, but I also know that one day I will be okay. Just give it time. I am taking life one day at a time, if that is to slow for you I am sorry. But this is how things must be. So I can learn to dream and grow again.

....Sleep.... It never seems to come.

I cant even begin to try to remember the last time I was able to just fall asleep. Its been like this for years now. I lay in bed and my mind begins to race. Always with all the questions I have in my head, all things I wish I knew, all the dreams and goals I had planned. Everyone tells me I need to find a why to relax or maybe you should try to meditate. Let me tell you, I try everything and anything. Its like I dread falling asleep. Sleep puts me in these places I am afraid to go to while I am awake, either mentally or physically. Or is it because I am afraid if I fall asleep it puts me another day away from where I want to be or one day closer to the things I dont want to come. These are the things that run through my mind keeping sleep as far away as possible. 

This was the time that used to take to write my letters. I have never been good at writing in a journal. ( so wish me luck with this) My poetry was and is my form of journaling. Its always been the easiest way to share how I feel for years. It puts all my emotions into one thing... that sometimes I like to share. But they are also something that is so special to me because of the people who they are about and who they are meant for. Some of  my precious memories from boyfriends from the past. Milestones I guess you could say. Like this one.

I lie on the ground,
and stare into space,

the stars start to move,
into the shape of your face.

I see you there now,
looking down at me,
with that cute little smile,
that I like to see.

You say "close your eyes",
"tell me what you see",
I see only two people,
just you and me.

We're walking the shoreline,
with our feet getting wet,
the horizon turns pink,
as the sun starts to set.

We make love through the night,
on that white sandy shore,
then I hold you while thinking,
I could want nothing more.

Oh I wish I could be,
in that one special place,
as I lie on the ground,
and I stare into space.

Love, always and forever!!!!!

Blaine 

I knew then that he loved me long before he ever said those three amazing words.... It is amazing how words can bring up so many different thoughts and are able to express the deepest of emotions and ideas someone feels and can touch the hearts of so many

"The Old Me"

In the last 8 months, the one thing I have heard the most is who much everyone misses "the old me:" As I have come to learn and deal with everything that has happened to me since everything happened, is that there is no "old me". That person is gone. I others to remember that person, but I also wish they could understand that there is no going back. Things happen in life that change a person, the people that come in and out of our lives, events that happen, things we learn, these all change us. And once they do there really isnt anyway of going back to the "old us". That's just how life is. So just because someone doesn't smile as much as they used to, or laugh at things they once thought was funny, or are more serious about other things in their life. It doesn't mean that the person you knew before is gone, they are just different. But you should still love them just the same. Maybe if you do that you can help bring back the parts that you miss in that person. But understand that we all have to learn and grow and sometimes that means a change in who we are. But we are still that person you once loved and remember who we were before and love us for who we are today.

Rainy Nights

Growing up I loved rain. I always had that hopeless romantic dream in my head that one day I would have one of those amazing, foot popping kiss in the rain, just like they show in movies. Well as I have grown up, I still wished for this, or even more just the chance to curl up on the couch with my love, covered in a blanket, drinking hot coco, next to a fire.(yeah I am that kinda girl) This never happened. We always talked about it happening, when I found the one I wanted to be with. But we always seemed to be apart on those rainy days and nights, so we planned for the future. 

Now as I listen to the rain hitting the window, I think about those nights I had so longed for growing up and had planned with my love. So when I hear the rain I no longer love it. It brings back those memories that I try to keep buried.... maybe one day I wont hate these rainy nights so much. When I can open myself up again to the idea that I might find that person I can curl up with and have my hopeless romantic dream with. I know one day that will happen. But for now the rain reminds me of the late night phone calls and dreams I made, reminding me of what I am missing. One day though.....one day that will change. One day I will love the rain again, the smell of fresh, crisp, clean air. Washing away everything and making it new again...Just like learning to dream and wish again. 

The Love Story

Always willing to give, even if that meant he might go without, he gave anything he could if it being time, money, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a place to stay. He would do it in a heartbeat for his loved ones. He was never quick to judge, he took those he met and wanted to see the good in them all.  He lived and breathed for his family, his mother, his son, his friends, and me. Even in his darkest moments he would find a way to keep face for me so he could see me smile.  So many times I watched him give to others even when we didn’t know how we were going to make it to the next day. He always tried to open his heart just enough to let you in, so you know that you mattered to him. That was Blaine.

Over the last 2 years he and I were on the roller coaster of life, as any relationship goes on. But from that first morning we met, sitting on a Starbucks bench at 4:30am I knew this was right where I was supposed to be. We knew we had met for a reason, we didn’t know what that reason was, but we knew it was meant to be. We spent hours talking that morning and even more throughout the day and couldn’t believe that he hadn’t sat and talked before. But the chemistry we had from that first moment never faded away. It only just kept getting stronger and stronger.  With Blaine being the stubborn man that he was, he wasn’t ready for some like me to be in his life. He still wanted to be free and not forgive the things of his past that had hurt him so much. But myself being the patient one. I just let him take it as his pass. He tried to push away oh so many times, but he always came back. He never knew why but he was drawn to me. I looked past the mistakes he had made. I wanted to see the man he could become and had the faith that he could become. From the moment I saw his smile. I knew I was in for a long hard ride. But one that was worth it all.

Nothing about us was or is perfect but that is what we loved each other the most for, our imperfections and ability to learn as we go. We made so many changes to our lives to fit the other, not because it was asked to be done. But because we wanted to better each other. We became best friends and lovers, refereed by our friends as each others better halves. We grew together in ways we could have never had imagined. Everything given so unconditionally.... I know this all sounds way to much of that perfect love story everyone wishes to of had in their life.... with all the love letters, poems, late night conversations that never ended because we never wanted to hang up first, the perfect way of hearing the first "I love you!". I had it all. But it wasn't always so perfect we had our bumpy roads, the trials of life. We just decided things were always worth fighting for. 

Till the day when my fairytale came to stop. The morning I got the call that changed everything.

I am sorry if this next part gets hard to understand because it is hard to tell without crying. The morning I got the call that Blaine was in the hospital on July 23, 2010. My heart stopped. I didn’t believe a word that woman told me till I called his mom, and she told me that she and her husband were already on their way up to Oakland but wouldn’t tell me what was going on but to speak to my mom or dad. She tell told each of them what she knew while I waited (she couldn’t handle it enough to tell me herself cause she knew how hard it would be) So my parents told me to sit down like most people do when they are about to tell you the worst news possible, I wouldn’t sit down and made them tell me that Blaine was in the ICU and was unconscious and had been since he was brought in, and they don’t know much more than his heart had been stopped for a while. I hit the floor screaming, this couldn’t be happening to us. He was just starting to get his life back and we had these big plans for the future and he was going to marry me. All kind of thoughts came flowing through my mind. How could the lord do this to me? I almost lost my dad 2 weeks before while up visiting my Aunt and Uncle, grandma, and the rest of the family. They had all just met Blaine. You would have loved it and I so wish you had been there.

So his parents tell me at first that I am not to come to Oakland, that there is no point and they well just keep me informed. I calmed myself down and told them that I had to be there that I couldn’t just be sitting at home feeling like I wasn’t doing anything to help. His mom couldn’t say no after that. I drove up with Sarah straight to the hospital. But while on the drive my parents called the mission home to inform them what had happened and got in touch with Blaine’s bishop.The bishop called me while I was on my way to see what was happening and what he could do. I passed the message along to his mother and she asked to have the missionaries come and give Blaine a Blessing. At this time we knew that his heart had stopped 3 times but they had it going, that he had a collapsed lung and had been unconscious for more than 8 minutes with the paramedics got to him. The Elders were able to get in and give him a blessing as I had been praying the whole drive that the lord wasn’t ready to take him back that he would be there still fighting like I fought for him all this time.

Seeing him in the bed, with tubes everywhere, not being able to breathe on his own I still refused to believe it. Even after his mom showed me eyes to tell me that he was no longer there I just kept saying he is fighting. He is fighting.  Even though I saw that he wasn’t in those eyes anymore. I tried to be the one to keep the hope that he hadn’t gone yet. Looking back now I knew it long before I even saw him in the hospital I just pushed it away. His mom got me through that first day and also knowing that the spirit was with me and with him. Sarah drove home the next morning as I stayed to see what the test results were, to be with his mom and hope for the best.

Sunday morning we took turns sitting with him while we waited to have our meeting with the doctors. We knew what was coming, as much as I didn’t want to hear it. They explained to us all the test they had run on Blaine, but the outcome was that Blaine was brain dead. I still have a hard time even believing it. From the moment on things became more of a blur. I called the police to file a police report, believing that Blaine had been killed. Things just didn’t add up right. Then into another meeting with the organ donation people, I sat in a room with his mother and two ladies who asked me almost 200 questions about Blaine. So that they might be able to donate his organs. It was so hard to keep a clear mind and to answer then all. Later they told me I was one of the best interviewees they have ever had because of the amount of information and stories I could recall. Blaine’s liver was donated to an older man from IL, he is a father of 3 and has 8 grand children. I finally spoke to him for the first time after thanksgiving, and found out that he was able to walk his sister down the aisle a few days before hand. Something he never thought he would be able to do.

The day we were leaving to come home. I asked his mom if she would like to see the temple. The place where Blaine had found so much love, joy and peace.  It was a Monday morning and when we got there… all the missionaries had just arrived for their weekly gathering. The Sister missionary that had approached me happened to be the one who had spoke to Blaine the first day he came to the temple wanting to go to church. Then all the missionaries that had met him began to share stories they had with him. While we waited for the senior couple that I had been talking to while I was there, we were standing where the stone that lists all the people who first came to this spot to build the temple. It was one of Blaine's favorite places to stand and look at the temple and the surrounding city. It was standing there with his mom, that I felt him. I felt him put his arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay. That I was not alone and that he wasn’t alone. I could feel our grandfather and uncle standing there with him. watching and waiting to gather him into the fold. He was going to be able to serve the mission he had wanted to now. It was the most comforting feeling I have ever had. I try to remember that feeling when I have my really rough days. And I can tell that he is here from time to time checking in on me. I never before realized how close the veil really is. I swear there are times when I can feel him sitting on the bed next to me laughing at a story or begging me to stop crying.  The Elders who taught him shared with me that he was one of the best investigators they had ever had. He took notes on everything and asked all kinds of questions and he always had a smile on his face and wanting to know more. He loved going to church and the feeling it gave him. He had finally found peace and what he needed in life. He wanted to marry in the temple for time and all eternity. Its hard to imagine that I now won’t be able to share that with him.

When I got home I went straight into planning his memorial. It was beautiful and uplifting. I made sure I made every part of his life was included. A family friend played the bag pipes, I made a slide show of pictures of his life, to the songs that each had personal meaning to one person or another, I even got up and read a poem, and a friend of mine form church sang the song Consider the lilies. It was so beautiful. People laughed and cried. But I am just glad I could give him that last gift.

That was the day I died inside and had to learn to start all over.... Life after love.... this is my journey now as that fairytale ended, what journey to take from here....