Coming Back

So this weekend I traveled up north to be with my family, to be apart of my cousin coming home and all of those festivities. But this trip was also for me. It was another step in me coming to terms with things, and coming back to the last place I saw him smile, the last place he held my hand, the last place he looked me in the eyes and said I love you. Its the last happy memory I have of him. He had just met almost all my family ( which there is a lot) and had been here every step of the way that weekend as we thought my dad was going to die. 

I have been here 2 days and I have been bottling up all the emotions and memories as they come, so not to bring anyone else down as we are enjoying our time together as a family. But tonight it hit me. And boy did it hit hard, as I was listening to the conversations of those around me, seeing how lives have moved on and how different things are and how others have outlook on life and what others should be doing. And all I can do is think of him. No matter where I am in the house, or this city. I see him sitting on the bench in the backyard like an old family movie, relieving those last memories made and how wonderful I felt when I was making those memories.  All I can do cry, only where no one can see me. To release the pain I feel with how much I miss him. And knowing how much he would have loved to have been here for this. Taking another step forward I knew would be hard, I just didn't know it would be hitting me all at once. There is no stopping this pain I feel, I am just trying to learn everyday how I am going to live through it. I am proud of myself for taking this step. I just wish it didnt hurt so much pulling up these memories.